In the beginning, there was just me. PART 1 (12/15/00)
I am a work geek. Forget about being workaholic. In this age of computers, work geek is more like it. Of course, what comes after work? Night outs? Well, let us say twice a week was at the most. I live a simple life and never believed that people on the so called net are 100% truthful about their identity. Gosh, and what more if "relationships" start from there. But then again, I thought I knew so well. Let me tell you why.
It was one of the toxic days in my work geek life. For some diversion, I logged on thinking maybe I can find a decent intelligent someone I can air my angst to. Attempted several times but no sensible earthling was there at that time of the day. Two freaking days passed and I was still swamped in my deadlines and never-ending meetings and brainstorming. When at last, a message came blinking one morning. A few message exchanges, I found myself so indulged and amazingly there was immediate connection, something that never happened to me before. It was short though but had lots of fun. Days passed and long before I knew it, I was stuck ... with a friend online. It was never a day without a talk with him. Yes, him. How amazing because I get to talk about my day in the office, friends, family, and just about anything personal and professional. Of course I still have the most intimate secrets intact with me. Cut it short, we were getting along really well. I whine, he listens. He consults me, I advise him. I am down and out, he comforts me.. with words he so give time to type. Little words on the computer seemed to keep us going. For some reason, there was a certain connection that was built as time progressed. Little by little we were getting deeper and deeper into the so-called online friendship.
Until a usual joke opened up a new perspective but his first confession was a total fiasco. I felt betrayed and taken advantage of. I thought the reasons why he was always there was because he was just after getting me into his trap of emotional proceedings. As a consequence, I turned him down outrightly. Out to clear his mind, I confirmed and clarified that online relationships was next to impossible for me. I can never "love" a person I have not even seen the face of. Though he believed likewise, it was so compellingly true when he, all of a sudden, became cold and began stonewalling on me. The days after was more confusing. Saw him online but never attempted to initiate a conversation. Day two, three, four came and there was not a single message. Why was he not talking to me? Was he hurt? I don't think so, I told myself. Was he mad at what I did? Goodness, he was just kidding, right?
As a good friend, I initiated "Have not from you for years." Then he replied with short emotion-devoid phrases I never got used to. Discontented and confused I blatantly ask him what was going on. With all emotions, he poured out his sentiments. He was hurt indeed. I never thought he was that serious. No one was serious over the net. Explanation was not that simple. A system in me was being affected already. What was worse? I guess I was starting to care for him. Oh heavens, have I just been infected by this care virus? I was yelling inside me. "This is not happening..to the skeptic me!"
Now, how else will I let him know if I had turned him down so abruptly. After that heart to heart talk, we were back to the old haven of "just-friendship." Now I have myself to deal with. I thought it was just initial thrill but my goodness, it was taking up so much space in my brain hard disk, like virus almost eating up my processing unit. After about five months, fortunately though, he sneaked in the question again, "Do you still consider me as a friend?" A day before I went to a so called singles retreat, we were talking about it again. He offered to call "if it would make it better," he said. Of course, like some naive Filipina, I asked if I can think about it till I got back from the retreat.
I was a skeptic since time immemorial. It was never an option but a choice... a conscious decision. For reasons I alone can believe, there is no such thing as falling in love for somebody you have not even seen in person or touched in flesh, nor heard .. no anything.. Words are never a guarantee. Sorry, nobody makes a fool out of me. What if he was just taking me into his traps? What if he is actually married and simply having troubles with wife (or wives). What if ... Sigh! But why is he so willing to come over all the way from the other side of the world to see me? Several times he told me how he strongly feels for me and it just seemed so real as his voice was saying so. When I got back from the retreat, he called. We talked for like straight four hours as I can recall. Call that coincidence?
This is the most unbelievable and outrageous thing I have ever done. While I am not used to hanky panky conversations, I was stuck, ran out of my usual guy innuendoes. "What is this?" I ask. Am I fooling myself? Was I ready for such if he really was? If this age of SMS, internet and palmtops is bringing tons of doubts in the way relationship are being handled nowadays, I suppose I turned myself into a victim .... or maybe not.
Oops, this is not happeningPART 2 (06/2003)
Two years had passed. More than two years in fact, after we were simply talking about liking each other. I'm felt like IM no longer the hardcore skeptic I used to be. The scare of my life started to sink in me, changing me. I knew I was not into blind dates, moreso about online relationships. I still cannot believe this has happened to me.
Manila. March 2001. Mom just got out from the hospital the day before after week of confinement. Told her about his comimg over and not even finished with my statement yet, she said, "Don't marry that Australian. You know, they always leave their wives, right?" I simply uttered, "Mom, we are good friends," then shut my mouth. I could not even follow up with "He is not Australian."
I wonder why he has not called me yet to let me know he has already checked in, safely. So, I called the hotel and got connected to room so and so with his name as the guest. We agreed to meet. Since, I'm not a sucker for blind dates, I actually connived with my high school best friend so we can go see him too. Funny thing was, one my high school friends called my best friend and so told her of my "story." Instead of listening to her whining of her own love life, my high school best friend suggested we just meet up to see him. On the way to the hotel lounge, my heart started pounding so fast. I called. No one was answering the phone in his room. I though, maybe he is somewhere and cannot get to it yet. Second, third time.. golly, this is not funny anymore. Where on earth did he go? He is not to stand me up here. As I went back to my seat at the lounge, just about ten steps from me, seated at the other lounge was a white man in white shirt and jeans and oh my god, I could not believe he looked different in person, definitely better. I told my best friend, I have a feeling the guy fronting me was him. Nervous and shaky, we thought of a plan. We'd go near potential him and Id sneak a quick glance to confirm. But then he saw me. Being the host, I smiled and asked "Mike?" He nodded. Extended my hand, introduced myself and then my friends. SIGH! Gosh, that was a tough one. My two friends started chatting with him and goodness, even without prior warning, they were not making side comments about him the way girl power (of three) would with regards to guys in our lives (and friends lives too). Unusual.
Mike was so calm and composed. Barely talked that time. I thought, this is going to be my boat and while I'm not a big talker even with friends, I entertained him.. blah blah blah like some part time tour guide selling the Philippines to a foreigner. While I did the talking, he just kept staring into my eyes. I knew he was listening but there was something in those eyes that hhmmm.. almost melted something in me. I can see thru his soul like someone I knew for a decade already. (sounds familiar huh!) After that dinner at a sea food restaurant a friend has recommended, we walked through the park and sheesh, how I cannot compose myself because I hated what people around us would think. I cannot blame them though.. Luneta, a foreigner and a Filipino woman walking at the park at 9 pm. Did I just look like a whore to them? Oh goodness! Think about that. Even the cab driver who took us to the restaurant was surely implying something when he said, I smelled good. Even the stares of people when we went up to the Palace in the Sky, I could not bear. I was not ashamed of the fact I am with a foreigner. I was proud of it but when I got stares like that, my mind went real paranoid.
The Dread
For two weeks he was here. A day before he left, he asked me a dreadful request. He wanted to meet my family The nervous me, just simply uttered "oh yeah, I actually planned on it already." (Duh! as if I did). Well, I really did not know how to introduce him to my family. The first guy I ever formally accepted to home. My mind suddenly went blank. Left with no choice, we went home to meet Mom, my sister, a cousin and my cute niece who was barely two that time. Had lunch. I could see how reddish his face was when I left him with Mom at the living room while I was preparing meal.. oopps helping prepare the meal. Together we went back to the hotel to pack up. Of course I was not in his room, silly!. While waiting for a friend and killing time, we breezed through a nearby park (not parking lot, ok!). Talked just about anything like we used to online. About what we do and stuff. About why the place is called Luneta. It was not a grand conversation and neither a breeze through what we like about each other which was pretty much a given.
Walked back to the hotel to wait for my friend. I sat at the hotel lounge waiting for him before he checked out, he suddenly appeared before me and knelt in front of me and gave me the keys to his room. He said he had the guest name changed to mine so I won't have to worry about a place to stay since the next morning was one of our friend's early morning wedding I had to host. At the airport, I saw him walk straight to the boarding gate. But wait, he has not said a word. We have not even talked. So I calmly sat on the visitor's lounge hoping he would come back to at least say goodbye and that so and so was a so experience and such.. but heck no one came back. Not a shadow of him. My friend started asking about what happened. I was so pissed of all piss offs. I could not explain .. cannot even a utter word and dwelled in total wondering. I just simply said, "let's go," as I feel something wanted to come out of my eyes.. Were they tears?
In the cab, I was pretending I was ok, that probably he missed California so much ... maybe he hated the weather here .. gosh, i cannot even pinpoint a good alibi. Straight to his hotel room, gosh, not even a trace of him except for the half filled bottle of mineral water he bought for me that day. I sat by the edge of the king size bed silently. My friend went back home to get some clothes for the next mornings' wedding. I was left alone. After she shut the door closed, I switched on the TV. Nothing interesting. Put off the TV. Turned on the radio. Nothing reached my hearing senses. Although it was playing something, I hardly heard it. Nope it was not the volume. I really don't know. Turned it off instead. Stared by the window and tears just started rolling down unconsciously from my lacrimal glands. Then I started to physically feel the pain in my chest. The likes of pain when you lost something really precious. Something precious, you cannot even allow yourself to loose. Then I shouted in anger. For over an hour or so, I almost got all water in my body come out of my eyes. As I overlook the park where we strolled hours before, I almost wanted to crash the glass windows into pieces. The doorbell rang but I knew it was not my friend yet. I didn't answer. The phone rang. It was the roomboy asking if I needed some new towels. Gosh, he didn't hear me wailing like a kid, did he? I just said, "no," and hung up. Then wallowed in desperation, anger, and self guilt. Heck, how dare him leave me like this. Golly, he does not even know how much I felt about him. How in the world will he know, my thoughts ran as I kept pulling off tissue papers from a box on a table beside the bed. Still sobbing and all tired of the pain, I heard a knock. I knew it was my friend already. As I unlocked the door, I went straight to the washroom. Wet my face so she would not notice. Then we started talking. "You have been crying!" she uttered as she recognized my sinus-filled voice. I didn't deny anymore. My eyes and voice are showing it. "You love him, don't you?" "Well, I don't know, maybe," I denied at first. I said, I was just so pissed off I could not let it out so I cried. But she insisted. "Stop crying, you are going to ruin that face for tomorrow. You got a wedding to host." After that very revealing discussion, I still could not help myself from crying. Gosh, I see him go like that, cry tremendously which I have never done before, and sleep on the same bed he did. What the hell am I doing?" my mind cried out. Then Mr. Sandman came knocking.
A Plunge into RealityPart 3
The morning after, I was a bit better... but still thinking of him. But no, I cannot think of him now, I'm hosting a friend's wedding. Good thing, it was a garden wedding and won't be questioned as to why I was wearing sun glasses. Good excuse. When all else settled, I just stared at the breakwaters of Manila Bay, reminiscing and regretting how things turned out. Tears rolled out again. As I sat by a pool lounge were my friends were indulging themselves in the pool water, my eyes are yet as wet as the water in the pool. My friend uttered. "Call him instead." Sigh, yes, I said. I'm just waiting for him to get home. I was determined to call him then suddenly my phone rang. It didn't have a name. I knew it was him. I could not help it, the moment I said hello, my eyes are once again dripping with tears. I missed him so very much. I asked why he did not come back anymore. He said, he was looking for me but could not find me. Of course I believed him. We both started crying and suddenly, of all times, I got a low battery warning. I snatched the card key from my friend and went up the room right at that instant. I almost jammed the door open. He called again and asked if we can talk over the land line. "I'll just charge my battery, give me a few minutes, " I said. He tried about a dozen times before we even got finally connected again. For whatever reason, we talked for another hour.. An hour setting a good date when he can come back. Then a long dead air came. "I love you!" he uttered. It hit me from my head to my toes like a lightning bolt. From my ear, it rushed down to my toes and back to my head. That is when I came back to my senses. Whew! After a few moments, swallowed air, and took a deep breath, I uttered back "I love you, too!" and we both smiled. Yes, I can feel his smile from the other end of the line. After we hung up, all my friends wanted an update. Then I said, we were official. "They screamed and yelled and teased me and all those girly reactions!" The tears I had the other night were all worth it. Now I can go to sleep .. all smiles.
Two years had passed and I can still vividly picture how things happened. I can still recall how he pulled me through the emotional pain when I lost my Mom. I can still smell the scent of flowers he sent me during those special occasions or when I'm simply down and recovering from my loss. Mike has always been there for me, through thick and thin. While it felt like we are light years apart, our emotional distance grew smaller and leaner each day. Many may have doubted both our sincerity to each other, even us for that matter, but things just turned out incredibly well planned like a nice dinner entree. Like any other relationship, we did go through a lot of misunderstanding, miscommunication and all those mis'. Having him in my life was like getting back my mom from six feet below the ground. It was one of the most poignant moments in my young life. Now, who would ever thought, I would actually accept his proposal. Yes, marriage proposal. To live happily ever after.. Till death do us part. Guess I'm no longer a skeptic. Just a believer that love happens when you least expect it.
As I go thru the pages of our lives, I feel so overwhelmed with how God has worked in both of us. I have always prayed for the right one to come. Many came and left. But he came and stayed..with me.
I am a work geek. Forget about being workaholic. In this age of computers, work geek is more like it. Of course, what comes after work? Night outs? Well, let us say twice a week was at the most. I live a simple life and never believed that people on the so called net are 100% truthful about their identity. Gosh, and what more if "relationships" start from there. But then again, I thought I knew so well. Let me tell you why.
It was one of the toxic days in my work geek life. For some diversion, I logged on thinking maybe I can find a decent intelligent someone I can air my angst to. Attempted several times but no sensible earthling was there at that time of the day. Two freaking days passed and I was still swamped in my deadlines and never-ending meetings and brainstorming. When at last, a message came blinking one morning. A few message exchanges, I found myself so indulged and amazingly there was immediate connection, something that never happened to me before. It was short though but had lots of fun. Days passed and long before I knew it, I was stuck ... with a friend online. It was never a day without a talk with him. Yes, him. How amazing because I get to talk about my day in the office, friends, family, and just about anything personal and professional. Of course I still have the most intimate secrets intact with me. Cut it short, we were getting along really well. I whine, he listens. He consults me, I advise him. I am down and out, he comforts me.. with words he so give time to type. Little words on the computer seemed to keep us going. For some reason, there was a certain connection that was built as time progressed. Little by little we were getting deeper and deeper into the so-called online friendship.
Until a usual joke opened up a new perspective but his first confession was a total fiasco. I felt betrayed and taken advantage of. I thought the reasons why he was always there was because he was just after getting me into his trap of emotional proceedings. As a consequence, I turned him down outrightly. Out to clear his mind, I confirmed and clarified that online relationships was next to impossible for me. I can never "love" a person I have not even seen the face of. Though he believed likewise, it was so compellingly true when he, all of a sudden, became cold and began stonewalling on me. The days after was more confusing. Saw him online but never attempted to initiate a conversation. Day two, three, four came and there was not a single message. Why was he not talking to me? Was he hurt? I don't think so, I told myself. Was he mad at what I did? Goodness, he was just kidding, right?
As a good friend, I initiated "Have not from you for years." Then he replied with short emotion-devoid phrases I never got used to. Discontented and confused I blatantly ask him what was going on. With all emotions, he poured out his sentiments. He was hurt indeed. I never thought he was that serious. No one was serious over the net. Explanation was not that simple. A system in me was being affected already. What was worse? I guess I was starting to care for him. Oh heavens, have I just been infected by this care virus? I was yelling inside me. "This is not happening..to the skeptic me!"
Now, how else will I let him know if I had turned him down so abruptly. After that heart to heart talk, we were back to the old haven of "just-friendship." Now I have myself to deal with. I thought it was just initial thrill but my goodness, it was taking up so much space in my brain hard disk, like virus almost eating up my processing unit. After about five months, fortunately though, he sneaked in the question again, "Do you still consider me as a friend?" A day before I went to a so called singles retreat, we were talking about it again. He offered to call "if it would make it better," he said. Of course, like some naive Filipina, I asked if I can think about it till I got back from the retreat.
I was a skeptic since time immemorial. It was never an option but a choice... a conscious decision. For reasons I alone can believe, there is no such thing as falling in love for somebody you have not even seen in person or touched in flesh, nor heard .. no anything.. Words are never a guarantee. Sorry, nobody makes a fool out of me. What if he was just taking me into his traps? What if he is actually married and simply having troubles with wife (or wives). What if ... Sigh! But why is he so willing to come over all the way from the other side of the world to see me? Several times he told me how he strongly feels for me and it just seemed so real as his voice was saying so. When I got back from the retreat, he called. We talked for like straight four hours as I can recall. Call that coincidence?
This is the most unbelievable and outrageous thing I have ever done. While I am not used to hanky panky conversations, I was stuck, ran out of my usual guy innuendoes. "What is this?" I ask. Am I fooling myself? Was I ready for such if he really was? If this age of SMS, internet and palmtops is bringing tons of doubts in the way relationship are being handled nowadays, I suppose I turned myself into a victim .... or maybe not.
Oops, this is not happeningPART 2 (06/2003)
Two years had passed. More than two years in fact, after we were simply talking about liking each other. I'm felt like IM no longer the hardcore skeptic I used to be. The scare of my life started to sink in me, changing me. I knew I was not into blind dates, moreso about online relationships. I still cannot believe this has happened to me.
Manila. March 2001. Mom just got out from the hospital the day before after week of confinement. Told her about his comimg over and not even finished with my statement yet, she said, "Don't marry that Australian. You know, they always leave their wives, right?" I simply uttered, "Mom, we are good friends," then shut my mouth. I could not even follow up with "He is not Australian."
I wonder why he has not called me yet to let me know he has already checked in, safely. So, I called the hotel and got connected to room so and so with his name as the guest. We agreed to meet. Since, I'm not a sucker for blind dates, I actually connived with my high school best friend so we can go see him too. Funny thing was, one my high school friends called my best friend and so told her of my "story." Instead of listening to her whining of her own love life, my high school best friend suggested we just meet up to see him. On the way to the hotel lounge, my heart started pounding so fast. I called. No one was answering the phone in his room. I though, maybe he is somewhere and cannot get to it yet. Second, third time.. golly, this is not funny anymore. Where on earth did he go? He is not to stand me up here. As I went back to my seat at the lounge, just about ten steps from me, seated at the other lounge was a white man in white shirt and jeans and oh my god, I could not believe he looked different in person, definitely better. I told my best friend, I have a feeling the guy fronting me was him. Nervous and shaky, we thought of a plan. We'd go near potential him and Id sneak a quick glance to confirm. But then he saw me. Being the host, I smiled and asked "Mike?" He nodded. Extended my hand, introduced myself and then my friends. SIGH! Gosh, that was a tough one. My two friends started chatting with him and goodness, even without prior warning, they were not making side comments about him the way girl power (of three) would with regards to guys in our lives (and friends lives too). Unusual.
Mike was so calm and composed. Barely talked that time. I thought, this is going to be my boat and while I'm not a big talker even with friends, I entertained him.. blah blah blah like some part time tour guide selling the Philippines to a foreigner. While I did the talking, he just kept staring into my eyes. I knew he was listening but there was something in those eyes that hhmmm.. almost melted something in me. I can see thru his soul like someone I knew for a decade already. (sounds familiar huh!) After that dinner at a sea food restaurant a friend has recommended, we walked through the park and sheesh, how I cannot compose myself because I hated what people around us would think. I cannot blame them though.. Luneta, a foreigner and a Filipino woman walking at the park at 9 pm. Did I just look like a whore to them? Oh goodness! Think about that. Even the cab driver who took us to the restaurant was surely implying something when he said, I smelled good. Even the stares of people when we went up to the Palace in the Sky, I could not bear. I was not ashamed of the fact I am with a foreigner. I was proud of it but when I got stares like that, my mind went real paranoid.
The Dread
For two weeks he was here. A day before he left, he asked me a dreadful request. He wanted to meet my family The nervous me, just simply uttered "oh yeah, I actually planned on it already." (Duh! as if I did). Well, I really did not know how to introduce him to my family. The first guy I ever formally accepted to home. My mind suddenly went blank. Left with no choice, we went home to meet Mom, my sister, a cousin and my cute niece who was barely two that time. Had lunch. I could see how reddish his face was when I left him with Mom at the living room while I was preparing meal.. oopps helping prepare the meal. Together we went back to the hotel to pack up. Of course I was not in his room, silly!. While waiting for a friend and killing time, we breezed through a nearby park (not parking lot, ok!). Talked just about anything like we used to online. About what we do and stuff. About why the place is called Luneta. It was not a grand conversation and neither a breeze through what we like about each other which was pretty much a given.
Walked back to the hotel to wait for my friend. I sat at the hotel lounge waiting for him before he checked out, he suddenly appeared before me and knelt in front of me and gave me the keys to his room. He said he had the guest name changed to mine so I won't have to worry about a place to stay since the next morning was one of our friend's early morning wedding I had to host. At the airport, I saw him walk straight to the boarding gate. But wait, he has not said a word. We have not even talked. So I calmly sat on the visitor's lounge hoping he would come back to at least say goodbye and that so and so was a so experience and such.. but heck no one came back. Not a shadow of him. My friend started asking about what happened. I was so pissed of all piss offs. I could not explain .. cannot even a utter word and dwelled in total wondering. I just simply said, "let's go," as I feel something wanted to come out of my eyes.. Were they tears?
In the cab, I was pretending I was ok, that probably he missed California so much ... maybe he hated the weather here .. gosh, i cannot even pinpoint a good alibi. Straight to his hotel room, gosh, not even a trace of him except for the half filled bottle of mineral water he bought for me that day. I sat by the edge of the king size bed silently. My friend went back home to get some clothes for the next mornings' wedding. I was left alone. After she shut the door closed, I switched on the TV. Nothing interesting. Put off the TV. Turned on the radio. Nothing reached my hearing senses. Although it was playing something, I hardly heard it. Nope it was not the volume. I really don't know. Turned it off instead. Stared by the window and tears just started rolling down unconsciously from my lacrimal glands. Then I started to physically feel the pain in my chest. The likes of pain when you lost something really precious. Something precious, you cannot even allow yourself to loose. Then I shouted in anger. For over an hour or so, I almost got all water in my body come out of my eyes. As I overlook the park where we strolled hours before, I almost wanted to crash the glass windows into pieces. The doorbell rang but I knew it was not my friend yet. I didn't answer. The phone rang. It was the roomboy asking if I needed some new towels. Gosh, he didn't hear me wailing like a kid, did he? I just said, "no," and hung up. Then wallowed in desperation, anger, and self guilt. Heck, how dare him leave me like this. Golly, he does not even know how much I felt about him. How in the world will he know, my thoughts ran as I kept pulling off tissue papers from a box on a table beside the bed. Still sobbing and all tired of the pain, I heard a knock. I knew it was my friend already. As I unlocked the door, I went straight to the washroom. Wet my face so she would not notice. Then we started talking. "You have been crying!" she uttered as she recognized my sinus-filled voice. I didn't deny anymore. My eyes and voice are showing it. "You love him, don't you?" "Well, I don't know, maybe," I denied at first. I said, I was just so pissed off I could not let it out so I cried. But she insisted. "Stop crying, you are going to ruin that face for tomorrow. You got a wedding to host." After that very revealing discussion, I still could not help myself from crying. Gosh, I see him go like that, cry tremendously which I have never done before, and sleep on the same bed he did. What the hell am I doing?" my mind cried out. Then Mr. Sandman came knocking.
A Plunge into RealityPart 3
The morning after, I was a bit better... but still thinking of him. But no, I cannot think of him now, I'm hosting a friend's wedding. Good thing, it was a garden wedding and won't be questioned as to why I was wearing sun glasses. Good excuse. When all else settled, I just stared at the breakwaters of Manila Bay, reminiscing and regretting how things turned out. Tears rolled out again. As I sat by a pool lounge were my friends were indulging themselves in the pool water, my eyes are yet as wet as the water in the pool. My friend uttered. "Call him instead." Sigh, yes, I said. I'm just waiting for him to get home. I was determined to call him then suddenly my phone rang. It didn't have a name. I knew it was him. I could not help it, the moment I said hello, my eyes are once again dripping with tears. I missed him so very much. I asked why he did not come back anymore. He said, he was looking for me but could not find me. Of course I believed him. We both started crying and suddenly, of all times, I got a low battery warning. I snatched the card key from my friend and went up the room right at that instant. I almost jammed the door open. He called again and asked if we can talk over the land line. "I'll just charge my battery, give me a few minutes, " I said. He tried about a dozen times before we even got finally connected again. For whatever reason, we talked for another hour.. An hour setting a good date when he can come back. Then a long dead air came. "I love you!" he uttered. It hit me from my head to my toes like a lightning bolt. From my ear, it rushed down to my toes and back to my head. That is when I came back to my senses. Whew! After a few moments, swallowed air, and took a deep breath, I uttered back "I love you, too!" and we both smiled. Yes, I can feel his smile from the other end of the line. After we hung up, all my friends wanted an update. Then I said, we were official. "They screamed and yelled and teased me and all those girly reactions!" The tears I had the other night were all worth it. Now I can go to sleep .. all smiles.
Two years had passed and I can still vividly picture how things happened. I can still recall how he pulled me through the emotional pain when I lost my Mom. I can still smell the scent of flowers he sent me during those special occasions or when I'm simply down and recovering from my loss. Mike has always been there for me, through thick and thin. While it felt like we are light years apart, our emotional distance grew smaller and leaner each day. Many may have doubted both our sincerity to each other, even us for that matter, but things just turned out incredibly well planned like a nice dinner entree. Like any other relationship, we did go through a lot of misunderstanding, miscommunication and all those mis'. Having him in my life was like getting back my mom from six feet below the ground. It was one of the most poignant moments in my young life. Now, who would ever thought, I would actually accept his proposal. Yes, marriage proposal. To live happily ever after.. Till death do us part. Guess I'm no longer a skeptic. Just a believer that love happens when you least expect it.
As I go thru the pages of our lives, I feel so overwhelmed with how God has worked in both of us. I have always prayed for the right one to come. Many came and left. But he came and stayed..with me.
PART 1 (12/15/00)
In the beginning, there was just me. PART 1 (12/15/00)
I am a work geek. Forget about being workaholic. In this age of computers, work geek is more like it. Of course, what comes after work? Night outs? Well, let us say twice a week was at the most. I live a simple life and never believed that people on the so called net are 100% truthful about their identity. Gosh, and what more if "relationships" start from there. But then again, I thought I knew so well. Let me tell you why.
It was one of the toxic days in my work geek life. For some diversion, I logged on thinking maybe I can find a decent intelligent someone I can air my angst to. Attempted several times but no sensible earthling was there at that time of the day. Two freaking days passed and I was still swamped in my deadlines and never-ending meetings and brainstorming. When at last, a message came blinking one morning. A few message exchanges, I found myself so indulged and amazingly there was immediate connection, something that never happened to me before. It was short though but had lots of fun. Days passed and long before I knew it, I was stuck ... with a friend online. It was never a day without a talk with him. Yes, him. How amazing because I get to talk about my day in the office, friends, family, and just about anything personal and professional. Of course I still have the most intimate secrets intact with me. Cut it short, we were getting along really well. I whine, he listens. He consults me, I advise him. I am down and out, he comforts me.. with words he so give time to type. Little words on the computer seemed to keep us going. For some reason, there was a certain connection that was built as time progressed. Little by little we were getting deeper and deeper into the so-called online friendship.
Until a usual joke opened up a new perspective but his first confession was a total fiasco. I felt betrayed and taken advantage of. I thought the reasons why he was always there was because he was just after getting me into his trap of emotional proceedings. As a consequence, I turned him down outrightly. Out to clear his mind, I confirmed and clarified that online relationships was next to impossible for me. I can never "love" a person I have not even seen the face of. Though he believed likewise, it was so compellingly true when he, all of a sudden, became cold and began stonewalling on me. The days after was more confusing. Saw him online but never attempted to initiate a conversation. Day two, three, four came and there was not a single message. Why was he not talking to me? Was he hurt? I don't think so, I told myself. Was he mad at what I did? Goodness, he was just kidding, right?
As a good friend, I initiated "Have not from you for years." Then he replied with short emotion-devoid phrases I never got used to. Discontented and confused I blatantly ask him what was going on. With all emotions, he poured out his sentiments. He was hurt indeed. I never thought he was that serious. No one was serious over the net. Explanation was not that simple. A system in me was being affected already. What was worse? I guess I was starting to care for him. Oh heavens, have I just been infected by this care virus? I was yelling inside me. "This is not happening..to the skeptic me!"
Now, how else will I let him know if I had turned him down so abruptly. After that heart to heart talk, we were back to the old haven of "just-friendship." Now I have myself to deal with. I thought it was just initial thrill but my goodness, it was taking up so much space in my brain hard disk, like virus almost eating up my processing unit. After about five months, fortunately though, he sneaked in the question again, "Do you still consider me as a friend?" A day before I went to a so called singles retreat, we were talking about it again. He offered to call "if it would make it better," he said. Of course, like some naive Filipina, I asked if I can think about it till I got back from the retreat.
I was a skeptic since time immemorial. It was never an option but a choice... a conscious decision. For reasons I alone can believe, there is no such thing as falling in love for somebody you have not even seen in person or touched in flesh, nor heard .. no anything.. Words are never a guarantee. Sorry, nobody makes a fool out of me. What if he was just taking me into his traps? What if he is actually married and simply having troubles with wife (or wives). What if ... Sigh! But why is he so willing to come over all the way from the other side of the world to see me? Several times he told me how he strongly feels for me and it just seemed so real as his voice was saying so. When I got back from the retreat, he called. We talked for like straight four hours as I can recall. Call that coincidence?
This is the most unbelievable and outrageous thing I have ever done. While I am not used to hanky panky conversations, I was stuck, ran out of my usual guy innuendoes. "What is this?" I ask. Am I fooling myself? Was I ready for such if he really was? If this age of SMS, internet and palmtops is bringing tons of doubts in the way relationship are being handled nowadays, I suppose I turned myself into a victim .... or maybe not.
Oops, this is not happeningPART 2 (06/2003)
Two years had passed. More than two years in fact, after we were simply talking about liking each other. I'm felt like IM no longer the hardcore skeptic I used to be. The scare of my life started to sink in me, changing me. I knew I was not into blind dates, moreso about online relationships. I still cannot believe this has happened to me.
Manila. March 2001. Mom just got out from the hospital the day before after week of confinement. Told her about his comimg over and not even finished with my statement yet, she said, "Don't marry that Australian. You know, they always leave their wives, right?" I simply uttered, "Mom, we are good friends," then shut my mouth. I could not even follow up with "He is not Australian."
I wonder why he has not called me yet to let me know he has already checked in, safely. So, I called the hotel and got connected to room so and so with his name as the guest. We agreed to meet. Since, I'm not a sucker for blind dates, I actually connived with my high school best friend so we can go see him too. Funny thing was, one my high school friends called my best friend and so told her of my "story." Instead of listening to her whining of her own love life, my high school best friend suggested we just meet up to see him. On the way to the hotel lounge, my heart started pounding so fast. I called. No one was answering the phone in his room. I though, maybe he is somewhere and cannot get to it yet. Second, third time.. golly, this is not funny anymore. Where on earth did he go? He is not to stand me up here. As I went back to my seat at the lounge, just about ten steps from me, seated at the other lounge was a white man in white shirt and jeans and oh my god, I could not believe he looked different in person, definitely better. I told my best friend, I have a feeling the guy fronting me was him. Nervous and shaky, we thought of a plan. We'd go near potential him and Id sneak a quick glance to confirm. But then he saw me. Being the host, I smiled and asked "Mike?" He nodded. Extended my hand, introduced myself and then my friends. SIGH! Gosh, that was a tough one. My two friends started chatting with him and goodness, even without prior warning, they were not making side comments about him the way girl power (of three) would with regards to guys in our lives (and friends lives too). Unusual.
Mike was so calm and composed. Barely talked that time. I thought, this is going to be my boat and while I'm not a big talker even with friends, I entertained him.. blah blah blah like some part time tour guide selling the Philippines to a foreigner. While I did the talking, he just kept staring into my eyes. I knew he was listening but there was something in those eyes that hhmmm.. almost melted something in me. I can see thru his soul like someone I knew for a decade already. (sounds familiar huh!) After that dinner at a sea food restaurant a friend has recommended, we walked through the park and sheesh, how I cannot compose myself because I hated what people around us would think. I cannot blame them though.. Luneta, a foreigner and a Filipino woman walking at the park at 9 pm. Did I just look like a whore to them? Oh goodness! Think about that. Even the cab driver who took us to the restaurant was surely implying something when he said, I smelled good. Even the stares of people when we went up to the Palace in the Sky, I could not bear. I was not ashamed of the fact I am with a foreigner. I was proud of it but when I got stares like that, my mind went real paranoid.
The Dread
For two weeks he was here. A day before he left, he asked me a dreadful request. He wanted to meet my family The nervous me, just simply uttered "oh yeah, I actually planned on it already." (Duh! as if I did). Well, I really did not know how to introduce him to my family. The first guy I ever formally accepted to home. My mind suddenly went blank. Left with no choice, we went home to meet Mom, my sister, a cousin and my cute niece who was barely two that time. Had lunch. I could see how reddish his face was when I left him with Mom at the living room while I was preparing meal.. oopps helping prepare the meal. Together we went back to the hotel to pack up. Of course I was not in his room, silly!. While waiting for a friend and killing time, we breezed through a nearby park (not parking lot, ok!). Talked just about anything like we used to online. About what we do and stuff. About why the place is called Luneta. It was not a grand conversation and neither a breeze through what we like about each other which was pretty much a given.
Walked back to the hotel to wait for my friend. I sat at the hotel lounge waiting for him before he checked out, he suddenly appeared before me and knelt in front of me and gave me the keys to his room. He said he had the guest name changed to mine so I won't have to worry about a place to stay since the next morning was one of our friend's early morning wedding I had to host. At the airport, I saw him walk straight to the boarding gate. But wait, he has not said a word. We have not even talked. So I calmly sat on the visitor's lounge hoping he would come back to at least say goodbye and that so and so was a so experience and such.. but heck no one came back. Not a shadow of him. My friend started asking about what happened. I was so pissed of all piss offs. I could not explain .. cannot even a utter word and dwelled in total wondering. I just simply said, "let's go," as I feel something wanted to come out of my eyes.. Were they tears?
In the cab, I was pretending I was ok, that probably he missed California so much ... maybe he hated the weather here .. gosh, i cannot even pinpoint a good alibi. Straight to his hotel room, gosh, not even a trace of him except for the half filled bottle of mineral water he bought for me that day. I sat by the edge of the king size bed silently. My friend went back home to get some clothes for the next mornings' wedding. I was left alone. After she shut the door closed, I switched on the TV. Nothing interesting. Put off the TV. Turned on the radio. Nothing reached my hearing senses. Although it was playing something, I hardly heard it. Nope it was not the volume. I really don't know. Turned it off instead. Stared by the window and tears just started rolling down unconsciously from my lacrimal glands. Then I started to physically feel the pain in my chest. The likes of pain when you lost something really precious. Something precious, you cannot even allow yourself to loose. Then I shouted in anger. For over an hour or so, I almost got all water in my body come out of my eyes. As I overlook the park where we strolled hours before, I almost wanted to crash the glass windows into pieces. The doorbell rang but I knew it was not my friend yet. I didn't answer. The phone rang. It was the roomboy asking if I needed some new towels. Gosh, he didn't hear me wailing like a kid, did he? I just said, "no," and hung up. Then wallowed in desperation, anger, and self guilt. Heck, how dare him leave me like this. Golly, he does not even know how much I felt about him. How in the world will he know, my thoughts ran as I kept pulling off tissue papers from a box on a table beside the bed. Still sobbing and all tired of the pain, I heard a knock. I knew it was my friend already. As I unlocked the door, I went straight to the washroom. Wet my face so she would not notice. Then we started talking. "You have been crying!" she uttered as she recognized my sinus-filled voice. I didn't deny anymore. My eyes and voice are showing it. "You love him, don't you?" "Well, I don't know, maybe," I denied at first. I said, I was just so pissed off I could not let it out so I cried. But she insisted. "Stop crying, you are going to ruin that face for tomorrow. You got a wedding to host." After that very revealing discussion, I still could not help myself from crying. Gosh, I see him go like that, cry tremendously which I have never done before, and sleep on the same bed he did. What the hell am I doing?" my mind cried out. Then Mr. Sandman came knocking.
A Plunge into RealityPart 3
The morning after, I was a bit better... but still thinking of him. But no, I cannot think of him now, I'm hosting a friend's wedding. Good thing, it was a garden wedding and won't be questioned as to why I was wearing sun glasses. Good excuse. When all else settled, I just stared at the breakwaters of Manila Bay, reminiscing and regretting how things turned out. Tears rolled out again. As I sat by a pool lounge were my friends were indulging themselves in the pool water, my eyes are yet as wet as the water in the pool. My friend uttered. "Call him instead." Sigh, yes, I said. I'm just waiting for him to get home. I was determined to call him then suddenly my phone rang. It didn't have a name. I knew it was him. I could not help it, the moment I said hello, my eyes are once again dripping with tears. I missed him so very much. I asked why he did not come back anymore. He said, he was looking for me but could not find me. Of course I believed him. We both started crying and suddenly, of all times, I got a low battery warning. I snatched the card key from my friend and went up the room right at that instant. I almost jammed the door open. He called again and asked if we can talk over the land line. "I'll just charge my battery, give me a few minutes, " I said. He tried about a dozen times before we even got finally connected again. For whatever reason, we talked for another hour.. An hour setting a good date when he can come back. Then a long dead air came. "I love you!" he uttered. It hit me from my head to my toes like a lightning bolt. From my ear, it rushed down to my toes and back to my head. That is when I came back to my senses. Whew! After a few moments, swallowed air, and took a deep breath, I uttered back "I love you, too!" and we both smiled. Yes, I can feel his smile from the other end of the line. After we hung up, all my friends wanted an update. Then I said, we were official. "They screamed and yelled and teased me and all those girly reactions!" The tears I had the other night were all worth it. Now I can go to sleep .. all smiles.
Two years had passed and I can still vividly picture how things happened. I can still recall how he pulled me through the emotional pain when I lost my Mom. I can still smell the scent of flowers he sent me during those special occasions or when I'm simply down and recovering from my loss. Mike has always been there for me, through thick and thin. While it felt like we are light years apart, our emotional distance grew smaller and leaner each day. Many may have doubted both our sincerity to each other, even us for that matter, but things just turned out incredibly well planned like a nice dinner entree. Like any other relationship, we did go through a lot of misunderstanding, miscommunication and all those mis'. Having him in my life was like getting back my mom from six feet below the ground. It was one of the most poignant moments in my young life. Now, who would ever thought, I would actually accept his proposal. Yes, marriage proposal. To live happily ever after.. Till death do us part. Guess I'm no longer a skeptic. Just a believer that love happens when you least expect it.
As I go thru the pages of our lives, I feel so overwhelmed with how God has worked in both of us. I have always prayed for the right one to come. Many came and left. But he came and stayed..with me.
I am a work geek. Forget about being workaholic. In this age of computers, work geek is more like it. Of course, what comes after work? Night outs? Well, let us say twice a week was at the most. I live a simple life and never believed that people on the so called net are 100% truthful about their identity. Gosh, and what more if "relationships" start from there. But then again, I thought I knew so well. Let me tell you why.
It was one of the toxic days in my work geek life. For some diversion, I logged on thinking maybe I can find a decent intelligent someone I can air my angst to. Attempted several times but no sensible earthling was there at that time of the day. Two freaking days passed and I was still swamped in my deadlines and never-ending meetings and brainstorming. When at last, a message came blinking one morning. A few message exchanges, I found myself so indulged and amazingly there was immediate connection, something that never happened to me before. It was short though but had lots of fun. Days passed and long before I knew it, I was stuck ... with a friend online. It was never a day without a talk with him. Yes, him. How amazing because I get to talk about my day in the office, friends, family, and just about anything personal and professional. Of course I still have the most intimate secrets intact with me. Cut it short, we were getting along really well. I whine, he listens. He consults me, I advise him. I am down and out, he comforts me.. with words he so give time to type. Little words on the computer seemed to keep us going. For some reason, there was a certain connection that was built as time progressed. Little by little we were getting deeper and deeper into the so-called online friendship.
Until a usual joke opened up a new perspective but his first confession was a total fiasco. I felt betrayed and taken advantage of. I thought the reasons why he was always there was because he was just after getting me into his trap of emotional proceedings. As a consequence, I turned him down outrightly. Out to clear his mind, I confirmed and clarified that online relationships was next to impossible for me. I can never "love" a person I have not even seen the face of. Though he believed likewise, it was so compellingly true when he, all of a sudden, became cold and began stonewalling on me. The days after was more confusing. Saw him online but never attempted to initiate a conversation. Day two, three, four came and there was not a single message. Why was he not talking to me? Was he hurt? I don't think so, I told myself. Was he mad at what I did? Goodness, he was just kidding, right?
As a good friend, I initiated "Have not from you for years." Then he replied with short emotion-devoid phrases I never got used to. Discontented and confused I blatantly ask him what was going on. With all emotions, he poured out his sentiments. He was hurt indeed. I never thought he was that serious. No one was serious over the net. Explanation was not that simple. A system in me was being affected already. What was worse? I guess I was starting to care for him. Oh heavens, have I just been infected by this care virus? I was yelling inside me. "This is not happening..to the skeptic me!"
Now, how else will I let him know if I had turned him down so abruptly. After that heart to heart talk, we were back to the old haven of "just-friendship." Now I have myself to deal with. I thought it was just initial thrill but my goodness, it was taking up so much space in my brain hard disk, like virus almost eating up my processing unit. After about five months, fortunately though, he sneaked in the question again, "Do you still consider me as a friend?" A day before I went to a so called singles retreat, we were talking about it again. He offered to call "if it would make it better," he said. Of course, like some naive Filipina, I asked if I can think about it till I got back from the retreat.
I was a skeptic since time immemorial. It was never an option but a choice... a conscious decision. For reasons I alone can believe, there is no such thing as falling in love for somebody you have not even seen in person or touched in flesh, nor heard .. no anything.. Words are never a guarantee. Sorry, nobody makes a fool out of me. What if he was just taking me into his traps? What if he is actually married and simply having troubles with wife (or wives). What if ... Sigh! But why is he so willing to come over all the way from the other side of the world to see me? Several times he told me how he strongly feels for me and it just seemed so real as his voice was saying so. When I got back from the retreat, he called. We talked for like straight four hours as I can recall. Call that coincidence?
This is the most unbelievable and outrageous thing I have ever done. While I am not used to hanky panky conversations, I was stuck, ran out of my usual guy innuendoes. "What is this?" I ask. Am I fooling myself? Was I ready for such if he really was? If this age of SMS, internet and palmtops is bringing tons of doubts in the way relationship are being handled nowadays, I suppose I turned myself into a victim .... or maybe not.
Oops, this is not happeningPART 2 (06/2003)
Two years had passed. More than two years in fact, after we were simply talking about liking each other. I'm felt like IM no longer the hardcore skeptic I used to be. The scare of my life started to sink in me, changing me. I knew I was not into blind dates, moreso about online relationships. I still cannot believe this has happened to me.
Manila. March 2001. Mom just got out from the hospital the day before after week of confinement. Told her about his comimg over and not even finished with my statement yet, she said, "Don't marry that Australian. You know, they always leave their wives, right?" I simply uttered, "Mom, we are good friends," then shut my mouth. I could not even follow up with "He is not Australian."
I wonder why he has not called me yet to let me know he has already checked in, safely. So, I called the hotel and got connected to room so and so with his name as the guest. We agreed to meet. Since, I'm not a sucker for blind dates, I actually connived with my high school best friend so we can go see him too. Funny thing was, one my high school friends called my best friend and so told her of my "story." Instead of listening to her whining of her own love life, my high school best friend suggested we just meet up to see him. On the way to the hotel lounge, my heart started pounding so fast. I called. No one was answering the phone in his room. I though, maybe he is somewhere and cannot get to it yet. Second, third time.. golly, this is not funny anymore. Where on earth did he go? He is not to stand me up here. As I went back to my seat at the lounge, just about ten steps from me, seated at the other lounge was a white man in white shirt and jeans and oh my god, I could not believe he looked different in person, definitely better. I told my best friend, I have a feeling the guy fronting me was him. Nervous and shaky, we thought of a plan. We'd go near potential him and Id sneak a quick glance to confirm. But then he saw me. Being the host, I smiled and asked "Mike?" He nodded. Extended my hand, introduced myself and then my friends. SIGH! Gosh, that was a tough one. My two friends started chatting with him and goodness, even without prior warning, they were not making side comments about him the way girl power (of three) would with regards to guys in our lives (and friends lives too). Unusual.
Mike was so calm and composed. Barely talked that time. I thought, this is going to be my boat and while I'm not a big talker even with friends, I entertained him.. blah blah blah like some part time tour guide selling the Philippines to a foreigner. While I did the talking, he just kept staring into my eyes. I knew he was listening but there was something in those eyes that hhmmm.. almost melted something in me. I can see thru his soul like someone I knew for a decade already. (sounds familiar huh!) After that dinner at a sea food restaurant a friend has recommended, we walked through the park and sheesh, how I cannot compose myself because I hated what people around us would think. I cannot blame them though.. Luneta, a foreigner and a Filipino woman walking at the park at 9 pm. Did I just look like a whore to them? Oh goodness! Think about that. Even the cab driver who took us to the restaurant was surely implying something when he said, I smelled good. Even the stares of people when we went up to the Palace in the Sky, I could not bear. I was not ashamed of the fact I am with a foreigner. I was proud of it but when I got stares like that, my mind went real paranoid.
The Dread
For two weeks he was here. A day before he left, he asked me a dreadful request. He wanted to meet my family The nervous me, just simply uttered "oh yeah, I actually planned on it already." (Duh! as if I did). Well, I really did not know how to introduce him to my family. The first guy I ever formally accepted to home. My mind suddenly went blank. Left with no choice, we went home to meet Mom, my sister, a cousin and my cute niece who was barely two that time. Had lunch. I could see how reddish his face was when I left him with Mom at the living room while I was preparing meal.. oopps helping prepare the meal. Together we went back to the hotel to pack up. Of course I was not in his room, silly!. While waiting for a friend and killing time, we breezed through a nearby park (not parking lot, ok!). Talked just about anything like we used to online. About what we do and stuff. About why the place is called Luneta. It was not a grand conversation and neither a breeze through what we like about each other which was pretty much a given.
Walked back to the hotel to wait for my friend. I sat at the hotel lounge waiting for him before he checked out, he suddenly appeared before me and knelt in front of me and gave me the keys to his room. He said he had the guest name changed to mine so I won't have to worry about a place to stay since the next morning was one of our friend's early morning wedding I had to host. At the airport, I saw him walk straight to the boarding gate. But wait, he has not said a word. We have not even talked. So I calmly sat on the visitor's lounge hoping he would come back to at least say goodbye and that so and so was a so experience and such.. but heck no one came back. Not a shadow of him. My friend started asking about what happened. I was so pissed of all piss offs. I could not explain .. cannot even a utter word and dwelled in total wondering. I just simply said, "let's go," as I feel something wanted to come out of my eyes.. Were they tears?
In the cab, I was pretending I was ok, that probably he missed California so much ... maybe he hated the weather here .. gosh, i cannot even pinpoint a good alibi. Straight to his hotel room, gosh, not even a trace of him except for the half filled bottle of mineral water he bought for me that day. I sat by the edge of the king size bed silently. My friend went back home to get some clothes for the next mornings' wedding. I was left alone. After she shut the door closed, I switched on the TV. Nothing interesting. Put off the TV. Turned on the radio. Nothing reached my hearing senses. Although it was playing something, I hardly heard it. Nope it was not the volume. I really don't know. Turned it off instead. Stared by the window and tears just started rolling down unconsciously from my lacrimal glands. Then I started to physically feel the pain in my chest. The likes of pain when you lost something really precious. Something precious, you cannot even allow yourself to loose. Then I shouted in anger. For over an hour or so, I almost got all water in my body come out of my eyes. As I overlook the park where we strolled hours before, I almost wanted to crash the glass windows into pieces. The doorbell rang but I knew it was not my friend yet. I didn't answer. The phone rang. It was the roomboy asking if I needed some new towels. Gosh, he didn't hear me wailing like a kid, did he? I just said, "no," and hung up. Then wallowed in desperation, anger, and self guilt. Heck, how dare him leave me like this. Golly, he does not even know how much I felt about him. How in the world will he know, my thoughts ran as I kept pulling off tissue papers from a box on a table beside the bed. Still sobbing and all tired of the pain, I heard a knock. I knew it was my friend already. As I unlocked the door, I went straight to the washroom. Wet my face so she would not notice. Then we started talking. "You have been crying!" she uttered as she recognized my sinus-filled voice. I didn't deny anymore. My eyes and voice are showing it. "You love him, don't you?" "Well, I don't know, maybe," I denied at first. I said, I was just so pissed off I could not let it out so I cried. But she insisted. "Stop crying, you are going to ruin that face for tomorrow. You got a wedding to host." After that very revealing discussion, I still could not help myself from crying. Gosh, I see him go like that, cry tremendously which I have never done before, and sleep on the same bed he did. What the hell am I doing?" my mind cried out. Then Mr. Sandman came knocking.
A Plunge into RealityPart 3
The morning after, I was a bit better... but still thinking of him. But no, I cannot think of him now, I'm hosting a friend's wedding. Good thing, it was a garden wedding and won't be questioned as to why I was wearing sun glasses. Good excuse. When all else settled, I just stared at the breakwaters of Manila Bay, reminiscing and regretting how things turned out. Tears rolled out again. As I sat by a pool lounge were my friends were indulging themselves in the pool water, my eyes are yet as wet as the water in the pool. My friend uttered. "Call him instead." Sigh, yes, I said. I'm just waiting for him to get home. I was determined to call him then suddenly my phone rang. It didn't have a name. I knew it was him. I could not help it, the moment I said hello, my eyes are once again dripping with tears. I missed him so very much. I asked why he did not come back anymore. He said, he was looking for me but could not find me. Of course I believed him. We both started crying and suddenly, of all times, I got a low battery warning. I snatched the card key from my friend and went up the room right at that instant. I almost jammed the door open. He called again and asked if we can talk over the land line. "I'll just charge my battery, give me a few minutes, " I said. He tried about a dozen times before we even got finally connected again. For whatever reason, we talked for another hour.. An hour setting a good date when he can come back. Then a long dead air came. "I love you!" he uttered. It hit me from my head to my toes like a lightning bolt. From my ear, it rushed down to my toes and back to my head. That is when I came back to my senses. Whew! After a few moments, swallowed air, and took a deep breath, I uttered back "I love you, too!" and we both smiled. Yes, I can feel his smile from the other end of the line. After we hung up, all my friends wanted an update. Then I said, we were official. "They screamed and yelled and teased me and all those girly reactions!" The tears I had the other night were all worth it. Now I can go to sleep .. all smiles.
Two years had passed and I can still vividly picture how things happened. I can still recall how he pulled me through the emotional pain when I lost my Mom. I can still smell the scent of flowers he sent me during those special occasions or when I'm simply down and recovering from my loss. Mike has always been there for me, through thick and thin. While it felt like we are light years apart, our emotional distance grew smaller and leaner each day. Many may have doubted both our sincerity to each other, even us for that matter, but things just turned out incredibly well planned like a nice dinner entree. Like any other relationship, we did go through a lot of misunderstanding, miscommunication and all those mis'. Having him in my life was like getting back my mom from six feet below the ground. It was one of the most poignant moments in my young life. Now, who would ever thought, I would actually accept his proposal. Yes, marriage proposal. To live happily ever after.. Till death do us part. Guess I'm no longer a skeptic. Just a believer that love happens when you least expect it.
As I go thru the pages of our lives, I feel so overwhelmed with how God has worked in both of us. I have always prayed for the right one to come. Many came and left. But he came and stayed..with me.
I am a work geek. Forget about being workaholic. In this age of computers, work geek is more like it. Of course, what comes after work? Night outs? Well, let us say twice a week was at the most. I live a simple life and never believed that people on the so called net are 100% truthful about their identity. Gosh, and what more if "relationships" start from there. But then again, I thought I knew so well. Let me tell you why.
It was one of the toxic days in my work geek life. For some diversion, I logged on thinking maybe I can find a decent intelligent someone I can air my angst to. Attempted several times but no sensible earthling was there at that time of the day. Two freaking days passed and I was still swamped in my deadlines and never-ending meetings and brainstorming. When at last, a message came blinking one morning. A few message exchanges, I found myself so indulged and amazingly there was immediate connection, something that never happened to me before. It was short though but had lots of fun. Days passed and long before I knew it, I was stuck ... with a friend online. It was never a day without a talk with him. Yes, him. How amazing because I get to talk about my day in the office, friends, family, and just about anything personal and professional. Of course I still have the most intimate secrets intact with me. Cut it short, we were getting along really well. I whine, he listens. He consults me, I advise him. I am down and out, he comforts me.. with words he so give time to type. Little words on the computer seemed to keep us going. For some reason, there was a certain connection that was built as time progressed. Little by little we were getting deeper and deeper into the so-called online friendship.
Until a usual joke opened up a new perspective but his first confession was a total fiasco. I felt betrayed and taken advantage of. I thought the reasons why he was always there was because he was just after getting me into his trap of emotional proceedings. As a consequence, I turned him down outrightly. Out to clear his mind, I confirmed and clarified that online relationships was next to impossible for me. I can never "love" a person I have not even seen the face of. Though he believed likewise, it was so compellingly true when he, all of a sudden, became cold and began stonewalling on me. The days after was more confusing. Saw him online but never attempted to initiate a conversation. Day two, three, four came and there was not a single message. Why was he not talking to me? Was he hurt? I don't think so, I told myself. Was he mad at what I did? Goodness, he was just kidding, right?
As a good friend, I initiated "Have not from you for years." Then he replied with short emotion-devoid phrases I never got used to. Discontented and confused I blatantly ask him what was going on. With all emotions, he poured out his sentiments. He was hurt indeed. I never thought he was that serious. No one was serious over the net. Explanation was not that simple. A system in me was being affected already. What was worse? I guess I was starting to care for him. Oh heavens, have I just been infected by this care virus? I was yelling inside me. "This is not happening..to the skeptic me!"
Now, how else will I let him know if I had turned him down so abruptly. After that heart to heart talk, we were back to the old haven of "just-friendship." Now I have myself to deal with. I thought it was just initial thrill but my goodness, it was taking up so much space in my brain hard disk, like virus almost eating up my processing unit. After about five months, fortunately though, he sneaked in the question again, "Do you still consider me as a friend?" A day before I went to a so called singles retreat, we were talking about it again. He offered to call "if it would make it better," he said. Of course, like some naive Filipina, I asked if I can think about it till I got back from the retreat.
I was a skeptic since time immemorial. It was never an option but a choice... a conscious decision. For reasons I alone can believe, there is no such thing as falling in love for somebody you have not even seen in person or touched in flesh, nor heard .. no anything.. Words are never a guarantee. Sorry, nobody makes a fool out of me. What if he was just taking me into his traps? What if he is actually married and simply having troubles with wife (or wives). What if ... Sigh! But why is he so willing to come over all the way from the other side of the world to see me? Several times he told me how he strongly feels for me and it just seemed so real as his voice was saying so. When I got back from the retreat, he called. We talked for like straight four hours as I can recall. Call that coincidence?
This is the most unbelievable and outrageous thing I have ever done. While I am not used to hanky panky conversations, I was stuck, ran out of my usual guy innuendoes. "What is this?" I ask. Am I fooling myself? Was I ready for such if he really was? If this age of SMS, internet and palmtops is bringing tons of doubts in the way relationship are being handled nowadays, I suppose I turned myself into a victim .... or maybe not.
Oops, this is not happening
PART 2 (06/2003)
Two years had passed. More than two years in fact, after we were simply talking about liking each other. I'm felt like IM no longer the hardcore skeptic I used to be. The scare of my life started to sink in me, changing me. I knew I was not into blind dates, moreso about online relationships. I still cannot believe this has happened to me.
Manila. March 2001. Mom just got out from the hospital the day before after week of confinement. Told her about his comimg over and not even finished with my statement yet, she said, "Don't marry that Australian. You know, they always leave their wives, right?" I simply uttered, "Mom, we are good friends," then shut my mouth. I could not even follow up with "He is not Australian."
I wonder why he has not called me yet to let me know he has already checked in, safely. So, I called the hotel and got connected to room so and so with his name as the guest. We agreed to meet. Since, I'm not a sucker for blind dates, I actually connived with my high school best friend so we can go see him too. Funny thing was, one my high school friends called my best friend and so told her of my "story." Instead of listening to her whining of her own love life, my high school best friend suggested we just meet up to see him. On the way to the hotel lounge, my heart started pounding so fast. I called. No one was answering the phone in his room. I though, maybe he is somewhere and cannot get to it yet. Second, third time.. golly, this is not funny anymore. Where on earth did he go? He is not to stand me up here. As I went back to my seat at the lounge, just about ten steps from me, seated at the other lounge was a white man in white shirt and jeans and oh my god, I could not believe he looked different in person, definitely better. I told my best friend, I have a feeling the guy fronting me was him. Nervous and shaky, we thought of a plan. We'd go near potential him and Id sneak a quick glance to confirm. But then he saw me. Being the host, I smiled and asked "Mike?" He nodded. Extended my hand, introduced myself and then my friends. SIGH! Gosh, that was a tough one. My two friends started chatting with him and goodness, even without prior warning, they were not making side comments about him the way girl power (of three) would with regards to guys in our lives (and friends lives too). Unusual.
Mike was so calm and composed. Barely talked that time. I thought, this is going to be my boat and while I'm not a big talker even with friends, I entertained him.. blah blah blah like some part time tour guide selling the Philippines to a foreigner. While I did the talking, he just kept staring into my eyes. I knew he was listening but there was something in those eyes that hhmmm.. almost melted something in me. I can see thru his soul like someone I knew for a decade already. (sounds familiar huh!) After that dinner at a sea food restaurant a friend has recommended, we walked through the park and sheesh, how I cannot compose myself because I hated what people around us would think. I cannot blame them though.. Luneta, a foreigner and a Filipino woman walking at the park at 9 pm. Did I just look like a whore to them? Oh goodness! Think about that. Even the cab driver who took us to the restaurant was surely implying something when he said, I smelled good. Even the stares of people when we went up to the Palace in the Sky, I could not bear. I was not ashamed of the fact I am with a foreigner. I was proud of it but when I got stares like that, my mind went real paranoid.
The Dread
For two weeks he was here. A day before he left, he asked me a dreadful request. He wanted to meet my family The nervous me, just simply uttered "oh yeah, I actually planned on it already." (Duh! as if I did). Well, I really did not know how to introduce him to my family. The first guy I ever formally accepted to home. My mind suddenly went blank. Left with no choice, we went home to meet Mom, my sister, a cousin and my cute niece who was barely two that time. Had lunch. I could see how reddish his face was when I left him with Mom at the living room while I was preparing meal.. oopps helping prepare the meal. Together we went back to the hotel to pack up. Of course I was not in his room, silly!. While waiting for a friend and killing time, we breezed through a nearby park (not parking lot, ok!). Talked just about anything like we used to online. About what we do and stuff. About why the place is called Luneta. It was not a grand conversation and neither a breeze through what we like about each other which was pretty much a given.
Walked back to the hotel to wait for my friend. I sat at the hotel lounge waiting for him before he checked out, he suddenly appeared before me and knelt in front of me and gave me the keys to his room. He said he had the guest name changed to mine so I won't have to worry about a place to stay since the next morning was one of our friend's early morning wedding I had to host. At the airport, I saw him walk straight to the boarding gate. But wait, he has not said a word. We have not even talked. So I calmly sat on the visitor's lounge hoping he would come back to at least say goodbye and that so and so was a so experience and such.. but heck no one came back. Not a shadow of him. My friend started asking about what happened. I was so pissed of all piss offs. I could not explain .. cannot even a utter word and dwelled in total wondering. I just simply said, "let's go," as I feel something wanted to come out of my eyes.. Were they tears?
In the cab, I was pretending I was ok, that probably he missed California so much ... maybe he hated the weather here .. gosh, i cannot even pinpoint a good alibi. Straight to his hotel room, gosh, not even a trace of him except for the half filled bottle of mineral water he bought for me that day. I sat by the edge of the king size bed silently. My friend went back home to get some clothes for the next mornings' wedding. I was left alone. After she shut the door closed, I switched on the TV. Nothing interesting. Put off the TV. Turned on the radio. Nothing reached my hearing senses. Although it was playing something, I hardly heard it. Nope it was not the volume. I really don't know. Turned it off instead. Stared by the window and tears just started rolling down unconsciously from my lacrimal glands. Then I started to physically feel the pain in my chest. The likes of pain when you lost something really precious. Something precious, you cannot even allow yourself to loose. Then I shouted in anger. For over an hour or so, I almost got all water in my body come out of my eyes. As I overlook the park where we strolled hours before, I almost wanted to crash the glass windows into pieces. The doorbell rang but I knew it was not my friend yet. I didn't answer. The phone rang. It was the roomboy asking if I needed some new towels. Gosh, he didn't hear me wailing like a kid, did he? I just said, "no," and hung up. Then wallowed in desperation, anger, and self guilt. Heck, how dare him leave me like this. Golly, he does not even know how much I felt about him. How in the world will he know, my thoughts ran as I kept pulling off tissue papers from a box on a table beside the bed. Still sobbing and all tired of the pain, I heard a knock. I knew it was my friend already. As I unlocked the door, I went straight to the washroom. Wet my face so she would not notice. Then we started talking. "You have been crying!" she uttered as she recognized my sinus-filled voice. I didn't deny anymore. My eyes and voice are showing it. "You love him, don't you?" "Well, I don't know, maybe," I denied at first. I said, I was just so pissed off I could not let it out so I cried. But she insisted. "Stop crying, you are going to ruin that face for tomorrow. You got a wedding to host." After that very revealing discussion, I still could not help myself from crying. Gosh, I see him go like that, cry tremendously which I have never done before, and sleep on the same bed he did. What the hell am I doing?" my mind cried out. Then Mr. Sandman came knocking.
A Plunge into Reality
Part 3
The morning after, I was a bit better... but still thinking of him. But no, I cannot think of him now, I'm hosting a friend's wedding. Good thing, it was a garden wedding and won't be questioned as to why I was wearing sun glasses. Good excuse. When all else settled, I just stared at the breakwaters of Manila Bay, reminiscing and regretting how things turned out. Tears rolled out again. As I sat by a pool lounge were my friends were indulging themselves in the pool water, my eyes are yet as wet as the water in the pool. My friend uttered. "Call him instead." Sigh, yes, I said. I'm just waiting for him to get home. I was determined to call him then suddenly my phone rang. It didn't have a name. I knew it was him. I could not help it, the moment I said hello, my eyes are once again dripping with tears. I missed him so very much. I asked why he did not come back anymore. He said, he was looking for me but could not find me. Of course I believed him. We both started crying and suddenly, of all times, I got a low battery warning. I snatched the card key from my friend and went up the room right at that instant. I almost jammed the door open. He called again and asked if we can talk over the land line. "I'll just charge my battery, give me a few minutes, " I said. He tried about a dozen times before we even got finally connected again. For whatever reason, we talked for another hour.. An hour setting a good date when he can come back. Then a long dead air came. "I love you!" he uttered. It hit me from my head to my toes like a lightning bolt. From my ear, it rushed down to my toes and back to my head. That is when I came back to my senses. Whew! After a few moments, swallowed air, and took a deep breath, I uttered back "I love you, too!" and we both smiled. Yes, I can feel his smile from the other end of the line. After we hung up, all my friends wanted an update. Then I said, we were official. "They screamed and yelled and teased me and all those girly reactions!" The tears I had the other night were all worth it. Now I can go to sleep .. all smiles.
Two years had passed and I can still vividly picture how things happened. I can still recall how he pulled me through the emotional pain when I lost my Mom. I can still smell the scent of flowers he sent me during those special occasions or when I'm simply down and recovering from my loss. Mike has always been there for me, through thick and thin. While it felt like we are light years apart, our emotional distance grew smaller and leaner each day. Many may have doubted both our sincerity to each other, even us for that matter, but things just turned out incredibly well planned like a nice dinner entree. Like any other relationship, we did go through a lot of misunderstanding, miscommunication and all those mis'. Having him in my life was like getting back my mom from six feet below the ground. It was one of the most poignant moments in my young life. Now, who would ever thought, I would actually accept his proposal. Yes, marriage proposal. To live happily ever after.. Till death do us part. Guess I'm no longer a skeptic. Just a believer that love happens when you least expect it.
As I go thru the pages of our lives, I feel so overwhelmed with how God has worked in both of us. I have always prayed for the right one to come. Many came and left. But he came and stayed..with me.
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